Cancer...really?!

I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma on December 28, 2012.  Really??  I'm 36, I have an 8 and 4 year old.  I breast fed both my babies for over a year.  I have no family history of breast cancer.  I should not have breast cancer.  Should I?

It all started on Monday, December 17th.  I found a lump.  No big deal, or so I thought.  I'm an under-reactor by nature.  I tell myself, "it's just a cyst or fibroid".  No big deal.  I don't even mention it to Mike.  The next morning I call and schedule with my OBGYN.  It's been three years since I've seen them.  What??  Where did the time go...three years?  Later in the day, I meet up with Erika in the pouring rain to get pedi's and chat.  At some point I tell Mike about it.  Erika and I talk about it too.

I see my OBGYN on Wednesday, he says, "let's get a mamogram and ultrasound".  Friday I go for the tests.  I have a mamogram tech with a very big personality.  She has me laughing the entire way through the mamogram.  We swap stories about kids and husbands.  We chat it up during the 20 minutes I'm with her.  She tells me to go back out to the waiting room while the radiologist reviews the images.  She calls me back to take more images.  Still not too worried.  Until...I realize the feeling in the room is different.  Something has changed.  As I leave the room for the second time, she gives me a huge hug.  I think to myself that it's an "I'm so sorry" hug.  CRAP!  Now, I know that she is a tech, not a doctor.  But, I also know that she looks at these all day.  I'm pretty sure she has an idea of what she is looking at.  Next up is the ultrsound.  More uncomfortable tension in the air as the ultrasound tech looks and then proceeds to tell me that the radiologist would like to have a look.  The radiologist says, "we need to do a biopsy, this mass is solid and suspicious".

I have to wait until Wednesday to have the biopsy.  Tuesday is Christmas.  I have to go through the holiday's with this weighing on my mind.  Saturday night we rode the "Santa Train" in St. Augustine.  It's a family tradition.  I can't help but look at my sweet girls and think that this could be the last year I ride the Santa Train with them.  Oh why does my mind go there?  I try to hold back the tears as my girls look at the beautiful Christmas lights and I look at my beautiful girls like it may be the last time I spend Christmas with them.  I'm not an anxious person but for that week, waiting to have a biopsy and get the results, I'm crazy.  I don't even recognize myself.  I wake up during the night shaking.  I can't sleep at all.  I can't stand the thought of not seeing my girls grow up.  I can't stand the thought of leaving Mike to take care of our girls alone.  I pray, and I pray, and I pray.  Does my Father hear me...I wonder.  I know He does.  I just have to have faith.

Friday, December 29th the radiologist calls.  The first thing she asks is, "are you driving".  I already know what she is going to say, but now I REALLY know.  It's cancer.  I tell her I'm not driving, but I want to grab a pen and paper.  After writing down lots of information such as type of cancer, size, additional testing I need to have, etc.  I ask her if there is anything else I should know.  The doctor tells me no and we hang up.  I'm surprised at how calm I am.  I think to myself, are most people this calm when they find out they have cancer?  Mike comes in the room.  He knows too.  I've been on the phone too long for it to be a simple, "it's benign".  We have to tell our family.  Those are the hardest phone calls to make.  I text my friends and church family.  I know the prayers begin, because I can feel them.  My Father does hear me and I finally start to feel a peace that I have never felt before.  Thank you God for your grace and that beautiful peace.

I'm assigned a Breast Cancer Nurse Coordinator that helps me schedule appointments and interprets medical lingo for me.  She presents my case to a round table of 7 doctors.  All 7 say I should have a double mastectomy for several reasons.  So, on January 21st I have a 5 hour long surgery.  A bilateral mastectomy and immediate reconstruction.  When I wake up, I'm told that no cancer was found in my lymph nodes and all margins are clear.  I'm so thankful to the Lord for this.  More good news to come.  Genetic testing comes back that I don't carry the gene for breast/ovarian cancer.  Further pathology shows that I had stage II breast cancer.  They believe I had the cancer for two years.

Even though I'm considered CANCER FREE after the surgery.  I still have to do chemotherapy.  This reduces the risk of the cancer returning in a different part of my body.

I really wish I would have journaled during these past few months.  This has been the most difficult time in my life.  Physically it's been painful.  Emotionally it's been scary.  It's been horrible to see the physical changes due to surgery and chemo.  It's been quite an experience, but I have survived.   I have learned a lot and I will never be the same.  In the most wonderful way.  I will never be the same.

Three years

Three years ago last night, I went to sleep not knowing that my my life would be forever changed the next morning. Not knowing, how much I would miss her. Not knowing, that I still had things to tell her. Not knowing, that in an instant things can change.

Waking up this morning, I'm so glad I know the One who did, and does know, and is with me every step of the way.

Miss you, mom.

Romans 8:18 (ESV)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

WOWie

Madeline got an owie on her knee last week, or as she likes to call it, a "wowie". She fell down while she was playing outside and skinned it. It wasn't her first skinned knee and it won't be her last, but she's starting to become a little dramatic, actually, a lot dramatic. Soon after she fell, she told me that she couldn't walk on it, and she didn't walk on it.

All. Day. Long.

I carried her.

All. Day. Long.

In the rare instance that she did walk, she made sure to do so with a limp. I don't know why, but on that particular day it really didn't bother me to carry her around on my hip. She is, more than likely, my last born, my baby, and she had a wowie. She was so sweet when she tilted her head in an exaggerated way, looked me straight in the eye, and said in her little sing-song voice, "I can't walk on it".

She woke up the next morning with a limp, to which Mike was quick to point out that she was limping on the wrong leg.

Silly girl ♥

Thank goodness for home owners insurance

Our washing machine flooded our house about three weeks ago, but looking at the grand scheme of things, I say, who cares??!!

Was it shocking to find our house filled with water, every room except for Madeline's, yes! Was I devastated at the sight of all that water and frantic to get it out of our home, yes! Was it an inconvenience to be out of our home for days and then have to live with two huge dehumidifiers and twenty-three fans for a few more days, of course.

But, we are all happy, most importantly healthy, and have a nice little house (that will be put back together soon enough) to call our own. So, if this is the worst thing that is going on in our lives right now, we've got a LOT to be THANKFUL for {grin}!!

Now, my PSA for the day is,
1. Never go to sleep, or leave home while your washing machine is running.
2. Check your sensor every once in a while and make sure it's not lose. If it disconnects, the washer will not know when it is filled with water and it will continue to "fill" with water until someone stops it.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

A leprechaun visited our house today! He turned Kaylie and Madeline's dinning room table chair upside down, sprinkled green sparkles on the kitchen counter, and okay this is kind of gross, but he must have pee-peed in the potty because the water was green...EEEEWWWW! He also left a note on Kaylie's pillow that said, "You can't catch me!".



He must have know that Kaylie was building a trap to try to catch him. It was a school project for kindergarten. All of Kaylie's classmates set their traps at lunch time, but no one caught him. He left a huge mess and green foot prints everywhere. He also, okay, again gross, pee peed in the potty. He even took all of the gold, that was hot glued to a pot, in Kaylie's trap. Those leprechaun's are tricky little people. He did leave the kids a gold nugget and coin, and a very nice letter about how much fun he had.

Pretty Nails

In church this past Sunday Kaylie learned about the virtue of kindness. She was given a challenge to do something kind for someone. Guess what she wanted to do? She wanted to treat me to a manicure and paint my nails. She even let me pick the color. I picked a glittery purple color. Isn't it fabulous?!



I'll leave you with her memory verse for the week.
Do unto others as you want them to do to you. Luke 6:31, NIrV

A view from the bridge

This is what we saw this weekend as we drove over the intracoastal waterway. I thought it looked like the beginnings of a water spout or tornado. It dissipated by the time we made it to the end of the bridge.